Pittsburgh - Every year the playoffs dole out rash after rash of horrific injury and this years post-season was no different. Today the Pittsburgh Penguins revealed that star forward Evgeni Malkin had played five games of the playoffs while legally dead and possibly partially a zombie. The Penguins had previously listed Malkin as day-to-day with "general body failure".
"I knew something was wrong the morning of Game 1 against Detroit." Malkin said through teammate/translator Sergei Gonchar. "My back was stiff and I felt a strange craving for human flesh. Also, I had no pulse".
The Penguins training staff originally cautioned Malkin about playing that night. "They were worried about me tearing something. Not a muscle or tendon, but an actual extremity. I was decaying pretty badly." While there was no blood coursing through the young Russian's veins, he showed heart. "It's the finals. It's what I dreamed about the entire season. Well, until the night before when my nightmares were consumed with encounters with Lord Satan, Prince of the Netherworld and God Almighty bargaining for my eternal soul."
Upon hearing about his opponents condition Red Wings forward Kris Draper was candid, "I thought it had to be something serious. He's a tough kid. I hit him in Game 2 and I think one of his vertebrae snapped, but he barely flinched. He just moaned, 'braaaains'. I thought it was odd, but that's what McCarty is always like. Go fig."
Malkin was brought back to life thanks to a fortuitous accident involving faulty wiring near the Penguins locker room at Mellon Arena. "7,000 volts pretty much de-Zombified me." Malkin said. Malkin is expected to make a full recovery.
